Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
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KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.