The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school