My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: