Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
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if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My work here is don’t.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
😂😂😂
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’