I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
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*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?