Well, my evening plans are ruined
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Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
bout dat hot dog summer
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.