Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
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STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*