Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
You Might Also Like
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea