to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
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*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.