[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
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Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Shoo shoo! 😂
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*