I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
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[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I am HOWLING at this
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not