HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
You Might Also Like
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Safety first
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.