Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
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Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Shortcut
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney