If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
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I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.