A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
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My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
This hospital has everything
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”