Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
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When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”