All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
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me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.