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No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
R.I.P.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience