The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
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“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
jesus, what did this guy do
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.