MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
are they though??
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?