I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends