I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!