I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
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Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.