I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
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I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
stand with me against insufficient seating
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale