Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
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I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
The best plant holders?
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
what day is it?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..