In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
*me flirting
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan