Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
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I like long walks away from everyone
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
sugar glider wrangler
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
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Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
*mops up wine with cat*
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles