Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
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cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”