I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
You Might Also Like
Breaking news:
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car