[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
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You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
“How’s your day going?”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.