It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
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Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I’d … I’d rather not.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no