The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
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My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.