[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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Hmmmmm
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Cndnsd Mlk
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.