Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
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I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
be careful
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.