Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
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[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.