People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
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Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
“I FIXED IT!”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.