Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
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Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.