Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
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Seismologists are loyal to a fault
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
dictator is short for richard potato
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex