Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
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(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
What a year we’ve had this week.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?