[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
rise and shine we got egg
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I hate when that happens.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.