ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
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Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.