the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
You Might Also Like
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
wow he looks just like him
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Ape together strong
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.