Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
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I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”