I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
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Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
This why you should mind your business
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.