If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
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My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Saturday
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]