girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
You Might Also Like
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.