A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
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Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe