I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
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Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot