INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
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I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW