If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
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real
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Cats are still liquid.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
*lint rolls you awake*
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Seems kinda suspicious
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)